- reflect. Consideration. To make something clear, and with many thoughts of weigh all sides. Reflects approach to mean something, well thought out and act with reason. load.
- reflect. Reflection. The representation of himself unvarnished, objective - distorted perception except -. inevitable confrontation.
I knew beforehand that it would do something with me to see this strange report. Before, I did not know what would be. I now know in retrospect still do not. The last few minutes walk straight and I think then I'll press play again.
- now that is -
My thoughts have not yet grasped everything that was going on in my subconscious.
Already this morning I knew something was strange about this day.
I woke up and I felt obnoxious in my body - in order, I know I always do. Today, however, was one of the worse days. I woke up and before I first got up, I have my body and myself (because between these two is a distinction made) despises extreme. And my first led me on my way Scale, indicating to me a kilo more. The same is due to my days that I received today as well. Probably, this whole is-disgusting-especially-also feel that together, but I do know that it is not only that is. In the last few days. No, already, in recent weeks. On it already provides nearly a month. Since then, it is getting worse. I was ever so much, but it was getting better. Now it is worse again - I do not want that, but it is hard to resist I see myself in a mirror-like surface and -. Chains of thought can be triggered. So much thought, the great (riesige!) part of it sub-consciously, ignored, not allowed. I see myself and think: Is it still please - please be still in order, please, not too obnoxious. And I'm trying to fancy that I still look tolerable. But I do know that it's just a lie. I know that I see and I really want to beat in my body. I would like to engage with sharp nails through my skin and me what is beyond it, tear the body. It's even too much because of it, I would tear off and shred it and strip from me, so I again get an acceptable appearance. It not only
is my weight. It is this face. This skin - this skin! I look in the mirror and I have to turn away, sometimes escapes me disgusted noise. And I will always be looked for wrong and reap any rate, the sense of her one Mach corresponds times no drama. But I mean it always toternst, even when I try to smile while yet.
This morning, as these feelings started, I touched my nose. I hate them. I despise them. A nose job costs between two thousand and six thousand euro, we say the reason for four, times a thousand. I have never in the lives of four thousand euros to let me operate this nose. And if - if, I would still hate behind my skin, I would hate my investments, I would hate my weight.
Most of the time I do not think about how the weight. I look in the mirror and try desperately to think: Actually, you still watch out okay. Come on, think about it, that your friends you say that you look pretty good. Try to remember that even someone who loves you and even says that he loves your body.
But when I think of that. The feelings I REDUCE - the state that I am disgusting that I am a shame that I will no longer really in the public - which are stronger.
repressed feelings are exactly the point.
In my case, exactly two causes. Hormones and repressed emotions.
to the hormones AKNN I change anything in the Pill, I get migraines, which I was forced to his knees many a time, and with minimal success, it was not worth it. It has also caused severe mood swings, at least my mental capacity is thus not exactly been a positive influence (and it is with the now, unfortunately, looks back as bad as has long been no more). I was relieved when I stopped taking the pill. However, I now have
the problems with it. But as I said, the hormones I can not change anything.
So it is the repressed emotions.
I think a lot. I am one of those people you always always says, they would think too much. That was in elementary school like this and it is still accused me. I really think things over and I fasere into the smallest details (I manage to still see so much). Often I'm for weeks about something allegations have forgotten what the other parties after a few hours. I'm thinking. I want to act responsibly and consistently, this is the important. I want to be sensible and grown up, too, she is important.
And yet I am a champion to push it, to ignore. Denial - oh, I can deny SO good. And it is bad. This is a bad feature. Emotions do not allow. I do often. I take it indeed true intellectually, but I do not feel the full impact. It's about negative feelings. Then I will know something is funny, but even by itself is not entirely penetrates through to me and often I put it away then, at some point. Times before, sometimes later, sometimes energetic and sometimes more on the side.
But these feelings will build up pressure. Not as a ... contouring pressure. Is then more subliminal. He sits there and remains. Permanent. Enough to remember FOREVER. Thus, by the effect that you get used to it. And each time, then a tiny bit more pressure to come.
said something to the woman in the report something like ... Emotional Eating is not about discipline or indulgence to do, or loss of control. It has nothing to do with reason, because it is also very rational people can go like this. It has something to do with the repressed emotions so that you experience them can not or will not. The food absorbs. But by then everything else is dull.
Yes. That is true.
I think: In contrast to them (the two examples in the report) I'm thin. I'm thin, I'm still normal. And then I try to relieve the stinging in my chest by this. It feels as if positioned so much of a stone on my chest and I can not breathe properly. By these words I try to calm me down. I'm still normal. I have no uncontrolled eating phases, I really did not. I know very well what I eat (and that it is often too much). What I eat is actually not always as well as unhealthy (but just too much). I'm not such a glaring example. The these weights are also ... abstract, compared to me.
But I'm relieved not. There are so many counter-examples to the other side. Maybe it does
me in that respect but not good to be in a (except for one boy) pure class girl. I see so many examples and I feel so disgusting before. There are girls whose thighs look like my upper arms - okay, so are the girls who look like skeletons, and which current is repeatedly said that they look like critical anorexia nervosa patients. But the argument does not help me completely.
I know. I know you should not be measured other people. This Look, what do they do - that you must also I really do not know. But do not change the fact that I won each time with more self-deprecation. I'm so disgusting. It is so abnormal, repulsive. I am not a man.
I'm so clumsy, I'm not a man. I am a monster.
contribute why the attempts to calm me.
I am not at the point, as these examples. I do not have a three digit weight and I'm not as addicted to food, as these people (which I feel incredibly sorry). But I have a feeling yet to be even more disgusting.
determine exactly why it is so I can not do.
I think bothers me extreme that I have not previously been amended.
As much as I talk about it and as much as I disturb my mind, one should expect that I am taking the initiative to change something. One would think, not Laber, not miserable, make it simple.
that I have not made it lowers my already low self-respect and a lot more, revulsion for myself, then joins in the large amount of feelings I can not allow full-intensity.
These non-approved
feelings paralyze me, I think. The whole self-blame and self-loathing paralyze me.
It's not that I do nothing.
It is such that it is not enough.
It is so that I get nothing.
I've never in my life at a point where I felt good in my body. I have never experienced. I do not know what it's like not to be revolted from themselves. I do not know what it is like to see himself or herself to think, without finding ugly. I know not, as it is to be in the company of others without eyes to feel as a burden.
I long so much to say then, can: I am pretty, I like this body, I feel attractive, I am satisfied.
Oh God, I know all the flaws people find in themselves. I know that so few are really zufriden.
So I take it together now shorter.
I wish I could say I'm thin.
But I do not know how to do that is.
I do not know if my feelings then at all realistic. I do not know if I will not always keep me up to a Extremmaß too fat, once I was on the way home. Why have I failed at that time anyway? What happened?
I know that everything was getting worse at the time, and my self-inflicted injuries were more again. But why? What was it like?
I do not know.
I just know that it was then always more.
And now ... I hate myself. I can not stand it when you touch me. This means - Yet. But, I can bear it. I am also grateful for when I get a kiss, because I cry. But it's not without that inside me all petrified, tense, tense and crying that the other person feels now, how thick I am and how disgusting, fat as. Even if one passes me on the cheek - I hate this skin I can not understand how someone can touch it voluntarily.. Really.
have all these people who insult me then. I can understand it. All those who have told me how disgusting I was. I would place myself in their ranks and join in their chants, if I could. Secretly, I am doing this secretly, I'm even the one that chooses the harshest words. The
disgust "Uh" s and "Ih" s are long not reach what I think when I confront myself with myself. I can understand why you have excluded me. The damaged specimens in the herd are always avoided.
All that has brought me so many times to just give up (and die) to do was right.
Just that I have never shown the strength to change. The
can not understand.
...
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