I do not know which way I should think. Every few minutes it changes. I do not know if I did not commit an error when I go on. And I do not know if it is not perhaps the error to stop.
I can not Responsibility.
I think all this is not enough.
soon. Soon I shall perish in it.
Maybe yes I forget about the stress in the slip soon I shall be clean - but that will not make anything better. The pressure will increase, more and more and then - I do not know, I have no idea, but fear.. I'm so afraid.
I hate it when I just have to come at night so the tears. I think most people hate this I hate it when I am so incredibly stupid sometimes. Stupid I am, whenever I act irrational. I would have loved to be able to everything what I recognize as reasonable, implement them. And why am I not? Because I lack the ambition. He has done this for years. It's a wonder I still have it brought up to that point.
But eventually, the building of lies too heavy, and then the hollow space, it no longer wear. A foundation of nothing - that must collapse, for better or worse.
I'm afraid. Prior to say no, I can not do more to school. But I am also afraid to talk about it. That is selfish, is not it? That it just me going around, but it is not true. I dare not only to write down my thoughts. You did not deserve all this.
Paranoid I'm already quite a while.
Why do I give to everything, that means something to me? Why can not I stop, stop? Why must it always become something that almost overwhelmed me? If I put my soul into something means to me at once so much. And then I have huge fear of spoiling it. From this fear is emerging both pressure and crippling myself together. Until I give up. And by quitting, I destroy it. Wow. Self-awareness is the first Step to recovery. Why I never go to the second?
I have so much fear.
I'm afraid all endure no longer what is expected of me. I even put the expectations but also to me, and I meet so far not?. No. And I do not know how that will happen if there is more. Soon, the holidays are over, and then, then I have to travel to school and tutoring before and I have both anxiety. From school never mind - I can not do that anymore. I always wanted recognition. And praise. And that one is proud of me. Admiration. I always wanted to be the best. I wanted people to forget me observed. I wanted to be whole, great. I wanted confirmation. But I do not deserve me. I was too busy with itself for me to realize that you have to contribute to his wishes and his own work.
fight for dreams you have.
For targets have to do something.
I have not done anything.
And now I reap the consequences - and what I do - nothing.
just sit here and watch how everything breaks. And then I cry and cry, hold my breath and choking, but then I cry. I am looking for someone to clean up my mess for me and then I felt sorry for it, that I had destroyed everything on their own. How pathetic that is.
I have such fear.
I know I need help. I will also help. But not enough to bring them to me. I do not talk to my parents. I know too much about what they think about me. Even though their contempt could never live up to my own contempt for myself. Their disappointment with me can not be greater than my own disappointment.
I will not play with it, my Skin cut open. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I still do it again. What keeps me from is the knowledge that it would change nothing. The one big difference would be that you would see on the outside, what I feel inside - but I would want to hide it anyway, because it is supposed to see but no. And no one will help - but, of course. But not because of it. In addition, the weak. This brings nothing but self-pity.
Oh, I'm good in self-pity.
This whole record is dripping with self-pity.
pity that no positive property. Would it be so, I would be a wonderful person.
So I kill myself only to themselves, to want to puke.
bad that I could have never.
I just wish that it will be good.
I love you.
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